Oh man. This has just been an off week in general.
I didn’t workout on Tuesday- in part because I was exhausted and in part because I was not in a good place mentally.
Today I had to work early….and late. I had planned on going to the gym after my last meeting (which starts in half an hour) but that may not actually happen. I don’t know if it’s the weather or the monthly hormones or what but I am BEAT.
Bleh. Some weeks are just gonna be off weeks.
I’ll lift in the morning and in Saturday and we’ll call it a draw.
I’m glad this week is almost over.
still in a pretty not great funk.
Macros are on point today. Calories are prefect.
1 hour of yoga, 30 minutes of cardio.
That’s it for me today.
Anonymous said: Thanks for answering. I certainly am not trying to be a jerk. I hope I'm not making things worse. But it really seems like you have unrealistic expectations of what your body needs to be. I hate to see your happiness hinge on having a little bit of (healthy) fat here or there. When I see your pictures, I see a beautiful, young, strong woman. Plus you look so confident and happy in those pictures. You already have the first three, I wish you the other 2 (confidence & happiness)! Good luck girl.
No problem, and I didn’t think there was anything offensive or jerk-ish about your message. You’re not making anything worse. I’m relatively open to feedback of any kind at all times.
However I do have to disagree on one point. I don’t think the expectations I have for what my body should be doing, and what it is capable of becoming are unrealistic at all. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to be devastated that I’m still in the same 3-5lb weight range that I have been for almost a year now. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to feel devastated when after I feel like I leave my all in the gym, I still look exactly the same as I did a year ago. Fat. Overweight. Not muscular. However you want to look at it, I haven’t changed. My measurements, body fat, weight….all stagnant. There’s nothing unrealistic about feeling truly and completely defeated by that.
Thank you for your support. I do appreciate it.
Anonymous said: This is probably a duh question but do you ever think about your body image from your professional perspective? As in what you would think/tell a client feeling the same? Not that I would expect all counselors to have a healthy body image, any more than I'd expect all doctors to be healthy... Just curious what help you'd offer to a client and if those tools ever help you. :)
They still let you be a therapist if you have personal issues of your own.
Obviously, if I weren’t able to separate myself from my profession during my work with a client, there’d be an issue. But I’m a CHAMP and compartmentalizing my feelings, negativity, self hate and all that other fun stuff until I’m alone in my apartment.
Knowing what to say to someone, and how to help someone doesn’t automatically mean that my own issues will quietly resolve themselves.
It’s made a lot of things better, don’t get me wrong. I’ve done it several times where I walk myself through the same exercises I’ve used for clients or recommended for others.
But at the end of the day, when I’m trying to persevere through what’s seemed like close to a year of no progress *at all* without abandoning my healthy lifestyle choices, or giving up completely and burying myself in a sea of milkshakes a nachos and then I get hit in the face with pictures in which I thought I looked one way, but actually looked completely different….then I don’t care if I’m a professional therapist or a circus clown, that shit’s gonna hurt.
My problem with those photos, and all of the photos from retreat, frankly, is that they make me feel like a joke. For as frequently as I work out, and as often as I talk about fitness and nutrition, I look like a blob. I am just an average, overweight woman with no particular defining or “fit” characteristics. I am just big. A big joke.
Am I smaller than I used to be? Yes. Am I anywhere near where I want to be? Not even close. Am I making progress? Nope.
I’m allowed to be frustrated. I’m allowed to be hurt. It’s gonna be like this for a while, guys, I’m sorry. I don’t like my body, and even though I’m working, it’s not getting better.
I do my best to be positive and optimistic and “Fake it til ya make it” and all of that other therapisty crap, but at the end of the day I hate myself. I am not fit, I am not feminine, I am not attractive. I am a lump.
My only pride in all of this comes from the fact that I have not come anywhere near returning to the old self-pity filled habits of binging-purging that were my life for close to 7 years.
lookatthatform said: You look great! And you will get the body you want, just keep working for it
I disagree in full. Enthusiastically, even.
And no….I’m starting to think that maybe I won’t get the body I want. I may just be stuck with….this.
I ate too much today and it’s fucking cold.